i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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