you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
