i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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