I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
