The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
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We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
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When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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