Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
