You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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