this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
