she woke up with a sticky ear
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
