You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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