I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
