I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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