I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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