I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
