Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
