walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I met the friendliest cop last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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