She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
