Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
