This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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