I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
