also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
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By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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