Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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