but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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