dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
organizing the empties. That sober.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
