life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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