My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
