We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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