Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
