i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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