Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
