my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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