the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
