and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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