Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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