Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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