his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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