she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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