I wannas sexs uuuuu
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
