My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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