what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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