Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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