you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize