This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
