I have demons in me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
