Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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