So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He felt like a one man threesome
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
