Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
