Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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