I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
