mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I deserve this hangover.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
