Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
