I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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