I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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