Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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