I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
