I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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