After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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