so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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