Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
